New Beginnings

It has been a while since I last ventured into the world of blogging. It could easily be two years - where did the time go? I used to have another blog, titled "Cazzy, the devil's mother" where I chatted about life, love and music. It was music that finally led me to meet my now husband - Monkey. After a year together, a little "oopsie" changed our lives forever - we found out that we were going to be parents. Oh the horror! How can two wild, party people possibly settle down and be, "swallow", parents??? Well, we managed, but it wasnt easy!!! In fact, little Riley, aka Woki (remember the ewoks from Star Wars? Monkey and I are huge SW fans. Our dogs are called Chewbacca and Leia, even our washing machine is called Darth Vader!!!), had a very rough start in life.

Pregnancy was tough - no drinking, early bedtimes, no partying. I was forever sick - not with morning sickness, thank god, but with colds, chest infections and constant coughing. It was a tough adjustment for me and poor Monkey had to endure my ever-changing mood swings. Everyone told me, get as much sleep as you can now, because that will be non-existent as soon as the baba comes. Oh! How I wish I had listened, but how the hell can a heavily pregnant woman get any sleep when there is a huge bump in my belly and my feet have swollen to the size of melons! And lets not talk about back pain!!!

From the start I elected to have a c-section - mainly because I have scoliosis and I was worried about having complications with natural birth. I just didnt want to risk anything. But oh yes, many mothers gave me disapproving looks and tried in vain to change my mind but you know what? It was MY choice, which I was entitled too. And my doctor agreed with me so that was that.

It was the day I was due for my c-section, 19 November 2009, that the real nightmare started. At 39 weeks, Monkey dragged my heavy load to Flora Clinic at the crack of dawn. I remember it rained that whole week. I had my scary premonitions but I just didnt expect all the bad luck we had from the moment we stepped into the hospital. Firstly, I wasnt booked for a c-section so there was no record of me coming in that day. Turns out it was a little bugger from the doc, but it was quickly all sorted out and I was settled into one of the beds. However, that meant that I wasnt going in first as I had hoped. In fact, I was one of the last. It was a long, long wait, and Monkey's pacing made it worse.

Sometime after 12:00, I was wheeled into the theatre. While Monkey changed into hospital garb, the anaesthesist began with the epidural. Problem No 2: Due to my scoliosis, he couldnt insert the needle (very BIG needle) into my spine properly. After 5 very excruciatingly painful attempts, I cried out for him to stop and just put me under. It was the last thing I wanted, but I couldnt stand the pain any longer. My dream birth was slowly drifting away into nothing. As I slowly went under, I sobbed as I thought how I was going to miss my baby's first cries as he entered this world. I wouldnt get to hold him in my arms and look up lovingly at Monkey - no happy family moment.

Next thing I knew, I woke up in the recovery room, with blaring yellow lights and a new excruciating pain - just under my abdomen. Did it all happen so quickly??? I was given some painkillers then taken back to my room. On the way the orderlies stopped outside the nursery and pointed out my baby to me. In my drowsy, blurry state, I managed to make out this big boy lying in an incubater. I couldnt make the connection that he was my son.

As soon as I was left on my own, I burst into tears. After all this anticipation, I had missed out on the most important moment - the birth. It was so heartbreaking for me that not even Monkey could console me. I kept on repeating "Im sorry, its all my fault". At least he was there, wide awake (though very very nervous) when Riley was born and even got to hold him. I was so proud of him that he didnt pass out.

Then, just when we thought we were out of the woods, problem no. 3 came: Woki still had liquid in his lungs, which is expelled as the baby comes out the birthing canal during a natural birth, so he had to remain in the incubator for a while longer. I couldnt wait to hold this baby. I was a mother, but I didnt feel like I was as yet. I waited and waited, eventually I was told that he still was breathing way too fast and was being taken to neo-natal ICU so he could be put on a ventilator. Monkey sorted everything out while I recovered in bed. So I didnt get to hold him.

I only got to see him the next day as one of the orderlies took me in a wheelchair to NICU. The sight I was met broke my heart into tiny little pieces. There was my baby boy, lying in a tiny cot, full of cables attached to him, plus a big tube attached to his face. He was sedated and obviously I wasnt allowed to hold him. I cannot describe what I was feeling at that moment, it was just too painful for words. This wasnt right.

So 3 days later I went home without my baby. This was the worst pain yet, worse than the pain below my abdomen, the pain of carrying a baby for 9 months and not having anything to show for it. Yes, I knew eventually I would get to take him home, but at that stage, there was no comfort for me. And it didnt help that the baby blues decided to kick in at the same time. Not a day went by that I didnt cry. Monkey was a blessing though, he stayed at home with me to make sure I was OK and tried to distract me as much as possible. Bless him.

I visited Riley as much as I could but I was sick of the nurses telling me that progress was slow. The paed had said to me that Riley could be in there for as much as 2 weeks!!! But I spent as much time as I could with him, talking to him, touching him, even though he was always sleeping. It was only after one week that he finally made huge progress, and I got to see him awake. What a beautiful baby boy! The day after, I held him for the first time and I didnt want to let him go. The nurses taught me how to bath him and feed him. It was a struggle but we did it. The nurses loved him, they called him a labrador puppy. The one nurse I will always remember and be thankful for is Vanessa, who gave Riley such good care - though I cant thank her for Riley's love of the TV now! One day I remember entering NICU and upon seeing Riley's empty bed, I went to the nurses lounge, and found Riley on her lap watching TV to calm him down. And it worked, lol.

Exactly 2 weeks after his birth, Riley finally came home. It took us a long time to bond as he got used to his new environment and we struggled with colic, feeding and getting him to sleep. The first three months were very, very difficult and many times Monkey and I felt like running away. But we stuck around, persevered and this only made us stronger. We now have a very happy, bouncy baby, whom we love with all our hearts. I can honestly say that I didnt know what true love was, until now. There is nothing I wouldnt do for this little being. So far it has been quite a journey, and I cant wait for whatever is around the corner. Join me and my little family in our greatest adventure yet!!